A Letter for 'you'..

31/7/12

This is the last day of the month and I feel lost.

I feel that there's an empty space inside my lung that longing for something.

First of all I want to say something. It's not like I'm turning on you right now. I mean it doesn't mean I love you or like you.

No, I don't.

But the fact is I feel something missing in my heart. Something has been taken away from me without my permission…

I started to realized this when I read some words that written on something (which is better to not reveal what is it, unless it's easier for you to know what are those words)..

I felt my eyes were suddenly and accidentally got wet.

I was trying to laugh instead of shedding tears. But my tears felt so heavy back then.

Honestly, I felt so stupid and kept saying to myself that "I am a moron..." But it (the story which you can read in one of my post with the title 'WHATT??!!!' or something similar with that) all already happened and passed by. They have become a history. Ah, one more thing. They are not my story.

You deserve the best. Your friends are just right. You deserve the best, which mean you have to find another harbour to anchor your heart. That 'best' word doesn't point at me. I am not the best and I won't be the best.

I am so sorry that I have hurted you for a long time. Even though for the 1st year it's not really my fault because I didn't know. But 1 year after that you have been suffering alone (umm I mean with your friends' support too) and 1 year is quite long for a 1st love, and you've bore it so well.

Even though your friends were there I know that not all of your burdens were gone. The worst thing now is your friends are not here anymore, and you’re stuck with me for a year.

Dear someone who called me mommy in grade 8, do you still have a special feeling for me? Once again I must say sorry that I couldn’t repay your feeling back then. I know I wasn’t the best, I’m not the best, and I won’t be the best for you either. But I don’t even can describe and know what I’m feeling toward you nowadays. One thing that I’m sure of is my feeling toward you is not empty or plan.

Once again I’m just a kid with a narrow mindset and simple-minded girl. And you’ve been here, inside my heart. Your name-plate ever been there showed that my heart ever been yours. It was yours.

Now I’m still asking myself what I am feeling toward you. But ive though about it and I think I’m letting you go while I don’t know what thing will happen to me. Going back to you? I mean love you just the way you loved me in the past.

HA. HA. HA.

Maybe most of the people in this world will say this kind of story only happens in novels. Then, they must meet me one-on-one, because I’m the fact that exists in the real life.

I’m not officially loving you or having a special feeling for you. I hope I won’t, because it will be funny. But once again, I feel lost.

Are you moving on? I know you are and YOU’VE MOVED ON since June isn’t it? You’ve said that in our class didn’t you? What a brave declaration. I even wrote down the date : 10^th of August 2012.

Go move one, son. I don’t want to see you feel hurt and especially when that’s because of me. You have your own life and I don’t want your life to be tie up with me. You have to be free.

I am not a curse, but I’ve been always made you feel sad in the past. I’m sorry that I couldn’t force my feeling even though I EVER loved you. But weirdly, after 3 months or so, my feeling vapored and gone. And now my heart is having a ‘preteen-era’, because it is so hell confusing. What am I feeling? It might be stupid, but I am better in read another person’s feeling or personalities. That’s why it’s so hard for me to evaluate myself.

That is a fact, you know?

Ah, one more thing. I think I must let you go and learn my lessons :

1. Learn to let you go

2. Learn to know myself better

3. Learn to tell myself that I’m not falling for you 

AAAH, one last thing. I promise, this is the last.

I think I’m gonna miss your stupid sweet words (gombal) for me. And I admit I will miss them so bad….

Sincerely,

JW